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Loved ones of an addict know less than needed to assist the addict in need
Published on October 12, 2005 By Sid_Gibson In Parenting
I have found that parents and loved ones of an addict (alcohol, illicit and prescription drugs) know less than needed to assist the addict in need. There are, in my opinion, many factors that create this condition:

* A continued sense of denial that there is a serious life-threatening condition.

* Many have not accepted the "disease model"--the addict is sick and needs medical and therapeutic attention. It was not until recently that alcoholism was recognized as a disease by the AMA (American Medical Association), previously rejecting the "disease model".

* Loved ones "enable" the addict unknowingly by dismissing serious incidents of abuse.

* Many parents believe their children are going through a "phase" and will grow out of it.

* We want to believe the addict when he/she promises to go straight. A brief period of sobriety convinces us that the nightmare is over.


There are more factors that can be listed, but my main objective here is a warning, from both sides of the fence (addict to educated counselor) based on the realities of addiction:

* Don't trust an addict--we are the best actors and manipulators of all time.

* Beware of promises that have no previous history to back them up.

* "I know I can do it this time"--one needs not say it if they believe it.

* Approximately 90% of habit kickers, after rehab, relapse in less than one year. Only one percent are sober after 5 years of abstinence.

* Addicts are told that relapse is part of the healing process so that they don't give up.

* Those of us who have remained in the life-long recovery process are always aware that a return to where we left off is only one drink/snort/ pill away.

* An addict won't respond to rehabilitation until he/she reaches their personal "bottom". They often enter rehab for the detox period and sign out AMA (Against Medical Attention) after feeling better.

* Entering rehab under coercion by family members often is fruitless--an "attitude" to rebel is often present. They listen, but don't hear.

* Court-mandated rehab is very ineffective. I led a daily 2 hour group session for one year during my internship at a rehab--my 14 members were court-mandated. I could tell a dozen stories, but one common theme stood out--"I'm here for 30 days to chill and to avoid jail--after I leave, my first stop is the nearest bar and/or my dealer".

I was motivated to present the foregoing based on a brief encounter with a husband of a long-term user and addict of multiple substances--cocaine, Xanax (benzo), alcohol, Trazadone (sedative). He opened up to me when I mentioned my alcoholism (I choose not to be anonymous--no rumors). He's a 27-year-old single dad of a 3-year-old boy and is at the point of feeling totally helpless. He threw his actively-addicted wife out of their home a year ago.

Very often an addict will seek treatment when a life-threatening event takes place; evidence shows that this is particularly true of addicts facing job termination and divorce threats. There was a high percentage of men and women I met during my internship who were there because of fear of losing their family.

In my case it was a fear of not being able to provide proper parental care for my 9-year-old daughter, but I was also equally motivated by "being sick and tired of being sick and tired". It is the latter that really sets the stage for the acceptance of one's diseased condition and is the most important element of successful treatment--this type of patient embraces all therapeutic activities.

In the case of the young man, he was facing a situation where his wife had been addicted since the age of 12, had failed to change following four 30-day rehab treatments and a 10-day mandated stay in a psych hospital. She is now in a 5-day detox center at a rehab facility, but has no intention to enter the 30-day rehab program. She has made "promises" of abstinence as soon as her system is cleaned out--possible for the physical addiction, but what about the psychological dependence? He swore that he would keep tabs on her for one year before attempting a reconciliation. I have little hope that he will wait and will fall prey to the well-tuned addict manipulation tactics of his wife--I don't even know this person, but I do know her addictive profile--and it is not promising at this point.

Rather than ending this post on a negative note, I will briefly describe how a "no-hope" addict radically turned her life around. About 20 years ago, my boss/friend asked for my advice regarding his 27-year-old daughter. He was at the end of his rope and was contemplating a complete disconnect from his daughter, which I knew he really was not serious about. He explained that his daughter's alcoholism and use of illicit drugs began at an early age. He had the financial resources and contacts to place her in a long-term treatment center (one year or more). He did this four times, her rehab experience totaling five years--every possible intervention technique was tried, including a year at a religious retreat.

I asked if he would approve of my "talking" to her. I emphasize talking because she was definitely not a candidate for preaching from the "Big Book". I simply told her my story--she was visibly shocked--and she said to me: "How could you be an alcoholic and have such a senior management position?". I told her that I had been in recovery for five years and expected to remain in recovery for the rest of my life, assuming I didn't pick up another drink. She knew that I was her father's main confidant and she couldn't reconcile her condition to my condition at that time. I asked her if she would be willing to give rehab one more chance. She first refused. After a week, my boss told me that she would consider the proposal only if I accompanied her for a consultation.

My AA network put me in contact with the Director of a NYC rehab facility, known for its "tough" tactics--kind of a "scared straight" program. After our meeting and tour of the facilities, she remained silent and we returned to her father's office. She would not commit to treatment at that moment, but I later learned of her decision to enter a long-term facility. She spent 18 months at the facility, another year at a halfway house and then the miracle occurred: She enrolled in a program that eventually led to her certification as a counselor in alcohol and substance abuse. She met a wonderful young man during her certification program, married and were both accepted as case managers at a famous rehab center. After five years, the couple opened up their own counseling practice. Their business thrived and now she is asked to speak at professional conferences and other venues. She returns to her roots (the rehab that worked) every year as a motivational speaker at her own expense.

The punchline of the success story is that this young woman was instrumental in my daughter's (similar profile of failed rehab attempts) admittance to the "miracle" rehab center seven years later. The miracle continued, with my daughter following a similar rehab and halfway house path ending with her obtaining her MSW in Sociology--she's 13-years clean now.

My advice to parents: Monitor you child's behavior and make note of sudden changes in mood. Then get yourselves to a professional. This is my short and sweet advice, but you can find more comprehensive advice by visiting the links on the sidebar of this site. Some of my favorite sites:

SAMHSA Family Guide

Partnering With Families

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD)

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA)

Join Together

The Partnership For a Drug-Free America

Note: All the conclusions, advice and evidence in this post is solely from the author's knowledge and opinion on the issues.





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